Friend with Deployed Spouse

[westwoodmom04]

The dh of a friend is being deployed to Afghanistan. It is his first deployment and was very unexpected. They have several small children, and some family coming to help. Does anyone have suggestions of things we can do be helpful to our friends (our kids go to different schools and are different ages0?

[crl]

We did not have kids when dh was stationed overseas without me so these are just my ideas, not from personal experience exactly.

Mail to the deployed spouse (depending on what tech they have over there, dh loved taped television shows--he watched them with his friends, then they got passed on to his enlisted Marines. I think I had thirty or forty marines watching Ally McBeal )

Babysitting for the spouse at home
Invite the spouse at home over for dinner with the kids--adult company and a meal cooked by someone else is great!

Catherine

[DietCokeLover]

Volunteer to do yard work if needed
Keep the kids so she can have some moments to herself
Be aware of when her car may need oil change, etc and have your DH do that or take it

[bekahjean]

For a lot of military spouses, it is difficult to ask for help. People often say to call them if anything is needed, but the spouse rarely does. It's better to offer specific help. Instead of saying, "if you need me to watch your kids, let me know", try saying, "I'd like to watch your kids next week, what day is best for you?" Or "I'd like to bring you dinner next Tuesday, do you have any food allergies I should avoid?" Phrasing the offer to help this was tends to work better, in my experience.

[sunshine873]

For a lot of military spouses, it is difficult to ask for help. People often say to call them if anything is needed, but the spouse rarely does. It's better to offer specific help. Instead of saying, "if you need me to watch your kids, let me know", try saying, "I'd like to watch your kids next week, what day is best for you?" Or "I'd like to bring you dinner next Tuesday, do you have any food allergies I should avoid?" Phrasing the offer to help this was tends to work better, in my experience.

The biggest thing needed when its falling on your shoulders 24/7 is a little time away from the kids, but it is so hard to ask for it. So be specific in your offers.

[okinawama]

I agree with be specific! I have been on the receiving end as well as giving end, and it's really a blessing all around! You're a kind friend!

* for me, one of the biggest blessings is when my friends call me before they head to the grocery store. It saves so much stress to not have to drag my kids into the grocery store by myself for a few items!
*a freezer meal is always appreciated. With a freezer meal I often just call the friend up that day and ask when a good time to drop it off would be. They can use it on a particularly hard day and there is no working around their schedule since they can use the meal whenver they want.
* Offer your DH to come by and take care of some things around the house ( again, be specific). Around day light savings time I send my husband by to change the batteries in my friends smoke alarms. He also regularly offers to do some of the outside maintenance ie: lawn care, changing out light bulbs on the outside of the house, putting things up into the attic, ensuring the souses car is driven regularly
*often times on the days that I have my DH stop by, I invite her over for a play date/lunch. It's a huge blessing to have someone's husband helping you out, but it can be a touch awkward to be around while he does it (well for me anyway, maybe not everyone).
*Me and three of my closest friends all have boys, so when one of our husbands is gone, we always make it a point to encourage our husbands to take the deployed dad's kids on a boys only excursion. It's a great experience for the kids and a time where my friends and I can get together sans kids.
*for me, when DH is deployed I would rather have someone have me over to their house and actually have some adult interaction rather than have time to myself. When DH is gone, it's lonely, and I'm always jonesing for some adult conversation and company.
*nights and weekends are hardest. Everyone else spends that time with their family and it's easy to "forget" about the deployed friend. So including them in any way that you can on nights and weekends is appreciated.

[westwoodmom04]

Thanks for all the great ideas!

[crayonblue]

For a lot of military spouses, it is difficult to ask for help. People often say to call them if anything is needed, but the spouse rarely does. It's better to offer specific help. Instead of saying, "if you need me to watch your kids, let me know", try saying, "I'd like to watch your kids next week, what day is best for you?" Or "I'd like to bring you dinner next Tuesday, do you have any food allergies I should avoid?" Phrasing the offer to help this was tends to work better, in my experience.

TOTALLY!!!!! This goes for anyone going through a tough time.

[OKKiddo]

I agree with be specific! I have been on the receiving end as well as giving end, and it's really a blessing all around! You're a kind friend!

* for me, one of the biggest blessings is when my friends call me before they head to the grocery store. It saves so much stress to not have to drag my kids into the grocery store by myself for a few items!
*a freezer meal is always appreciated. With a freezer meal I often just call the friend up that day and ask when a good time to drop it off would be. They can use it on a particularly hard day and there is no working around their schedule since they can use the meal whenver they want.
*for me, when DH is deployed I would rather have someone have me over to their house and actually have some adult interaction rather than have time to myself. When DH is gone, it's lonely, and I'm always jonesing for some adult conversation and company.

All of the comments hit the nail on the head but these were the biggest for me. I especially loved the company of a friend when I had mountains of laundry to fold and put away. It's the least important thing on the list when your husband is gone and the thing that can get out of control pretty fast. Especially if anyone is sick in the house. Just having that company (and nudging to stay on task) while I was folding and putting it away was priceless. Oh, and they helped to keep the kids from jumping in the folded laundry like a pile of leaves. :-/