ACK! MIL wants to "help" after baby #2 (long)

[Happy 2B mommy]

A while ago I posted concerns about how my MIL babysits DD. Now she wants to "help" when the baby comes. DH says we have to accept it - at least for when I'm in labor and at the hospital. If we have friends watch DD she will be hurt. She would watch DD at our house as DD isn't allowed at her house unless DH and/or I are there to watch her. The longest amount of time she has spent alone with DD is 5 hours - feeding dinner and putting DD to bed (no baths)

Here are my big issues.

1 -Meals and clean up

MIL does not cook. I'd have to make sure I had complete meals ready for DD and her to eat (not THAT big of a deal - in a pinch there's always frozen mac and cheese) Food is left on the floor (not just crumbs or a few noodles, I've come home to what appears to be full servings of veggies and yogurt on the floor and not wiped up and stepped in) and sometimes leftovers are on the counter, not the fridge. Dishes are left on the table or the counter, not put in the dishwasher or the sink. Drives me crazy. At this point DD is MUCH neater at meals, so the mess on the floor I think will be better.

2 Car Seat
MIL does not know how to use a car seat (not install it in the car, I mean put DD in it). She said when DD was born that they are just too complicated, DH was never in one and she knows of someone who only uses the "top" clip (chest adjuster) because the crotch strap is "so complicated". DD is currently in a Graco Nautilus, which is super-simple and I honestly think she is capable of using it correctly. I'm just scared that if she does need to use it, she won't.

3 She "Forgets" to put the side rail up on the crib.

4 She comments on my housekeeping.
I seriously stress when she comes over. I feel things have to be looking like I'm hosting an open house. She has commented that the hinges on the guest bath door are dusty, among other things! The comments have stopped since DH went to her house and started commenting on how messy things were there. She got upset and DH said that's how she was making us feel (she made similar comments about his office at work when she stopped by and THAT pushed him over the edge). She's made no comments since then, but I still stress. Maybe I'm being petty, but I just can't help it.

MIL is only 60 and in excellent health. She doesn't do these things because she's losing it or feeble or can't see. She just is really clueless about kids (DH was mostly raised by his grandma, MIL mom, until he started kindy. DH and MIL lived with grandma until he was about 2, so she's really bad with babies and toddlers)

Do I make other arrangements for the whole time? Should I just accept her "help" while I'm in the hospital and hope for the best and accept the mess I'll come home to? I really want to hire a mothers helper for the first month or 2 (there are a few high school/college kids who might be interested) and I thought maybe good friends could come over when I went into labor. Do I be open with my concerns and risk hurting her feelings?

Thanks for sticking with reading all this. Any advice/opinions are very welcome

[kedss]

just say no.

[ThreeofUs]

Wait. Before you say no, why not compromise? Allow her to come over and "help" but get a pp doula in a little early, to be there with her and pick up the slack.

Another thought. It sounds like MIL will respond to straight talk. Can you discuss your list of concerns with her?

[JBaxter]

Dont do it. My MIL came for 2 weeks after Jack was born..... I was cleaning the kitchen and cooking dinner while SHE took a nap. I so didnt want to vacuum after birthing a 10lb baby w/ a 15 1/2 in head.

We wont get into her version of grocery shopping

DH still owes me for that crap.

[mamaoftwins]

Dont do it. My MIL came for 2 weeks after Jack was born..... I was cleaning the kitchen and cooking dinner while SHE took a nap.

My 'help' after the babies were born was just awful. I had to cook and clean after my mom just days after we came home from the hosp. Just horrible. But, Ivy's compromising idea is a good one.

[WitMom]

I'm in the "Just say no" camp. My MIL drives me nuts. She offered in advance to come and stay to "help" when DD2 was born. We said "Thank you so much. We'll consider that and get back to you." We never discussed it with her again, and she never brought it up again either. Maybe not the best approach, but it makes me wonder how sincere her original offer was. Any chance your MIL is offering because she feels obligated to, and not because she really wants to?

[egoldber]

Well MIL came for WEEKS each time. But she was truly helpful, yours sounds maybe not so much.

Also, I think it depends on your overall priorities. For *me* it is VERY important to me that DH be with me in the hospital with the baby at ALL times, including overnight. So we needed someone who could come and stay in our house with older DD for many days. So that pretty much only leaves MIL.

The only thing that sounds like a deal breaker to me is the cooking/mess on the floor. Is her own house a sty? Or does she just not know where things go in your house and so she doesn't put things away? And if she doesn't cook, them how does she eat? Does she eat prepared meals every meal? Eat out every meal? Or do you mean she does not cook elaborate meals?

Can you hire a cleaning service to come in after you deliver? Maybe that would make you feel better.

When it comes to the carseat, can she be trained? I have always had to drill MIL. She needs a refresher every time she comes and I make her do it many times while I am watching to make sure it's correct.

My MIL comments about my housekeeping and she is always begging me to get cleaners every week (at the time we had them every other week....). I guess I have a thick skin though because it doesn't bother me. And it probably helps that I think she's obsessive about cleaning, so maybe together we balance out.

[Edensmum]

A lot of that sounds annoying but the things I would focus on with her are the safety issues, carseat and crib rail. If she cannot demonstrate using them properly and promise to do so each time them she can't be left alone. Really though in order to relax an birth your baby you need to feel comfortable with where your other child is. Tell dh that he has to make you comfortable with what will be happening at home or he can tell her no.
Alternatively you can say "thank you so much for offering to help, this is what we will need... and give her things to do to help, bring easy to heat and eat things for the early days, dinners muffins Etc. Come and do things with your older dd after the baby comes to keep her busy and make her feel special, letting your older dd introduce her and anyone else to her new baby sibling. Ask her to help with household things. A sincere offer to help should be just that, doing what you actually NEED help with. Not expecting to do what they want and making a mess out of your home and endangering your child in the process.

[hellokitty]

Wow, do we have the same mil??? Mine wanted to, "help" to. I said, "no thank you." Can your mom help instead? Does your mil, also by any chance not drive on the freeway either? Mine refuses to drive on the freeway, which baffles my mind and like yours, she's not feeble or anything, she just difficult and very dependent on others.

[kellyd]

No way! In your situation I'd be telling DH to wake up and realise it's not safe to leave our child with her for that long. The crib rail and car seat are deal breakers... the mess you'd be coming home to... unless DH PROMISED to come home before you and CLEAN everything there'd be NO WAY! You know yourself how little sleep you get in the hospital, you're not going to want to come home to the mess if it already drives you crazy right after labor!