mamas with a history of difficult pg.....

[calebsmama03]

How do you move past your fear and get excited about another pregnancy??

Sorry in advance for the long and rather downer post, but I’d really like to know how others with a history of pregnancy loss or severe difficulties in pg have handled (emotionally) their subsequent pregnancies? As many of you know, I am due with #2 around 5/19/05. I had an extremely difficult pregnancy with C – went into full-on pre-term labor (23 weeks, ctx lasting 45 sec and every 3 mins, causing effacement), was hospitalized for 2 weeks on major drugs, told I’d need an emergency c-sect at 24 weeks, then told that was a “false alarm”, told by my OB’s partner and my peri that they’d be shocked to see me get to 25 weeks and that C would not survive. Thankfully I did make it past 25 weeks but spent the remainder of my pregnancy on full bedrest and major medications and continued to contract the entire time. Ironically, during the experience I was rather laid back about it and although I was definitely scared, especially when I did the NICU tour to “prepare me for the inevitable”, I had this stubborn determination that I WAS going to deliver full term no matter what it took and the thought never seemed possible to me that this wouldn’t happen. I was blessed with a healthy, 37 weeker. They never did determine what caused my difficulties, nor whether there was an issue of incompetent cervix or "just" preterm labor. I suspect that it was PTL, as my cervix seemed fine unless I was contracting, and that I had an undiagnosed UTI and possibly BV that led to the PTL, but sadly we’ll never be sure either way.

This current pregnancy was an unplanned, though in no way unwanted, pregnancy – the timing is just a bit off. I have had such a difficult time even thinking much about #2, other than the nausea! I’ve tried to “get into it” by looking into double strollers, etc. a bit here thinking that would help me get back into baby mode and get excited but it hasn’t seemed to help. Initially I thought that it was just the shock of the whole thing that was keeping me numb, and I thought it would seem more real after my first OB appointment, but that was yesterday and I can’t say I feel much different today – in spite of having seen my little bean moving on the u/s. My OB has a new 3D high res u/s so even at only 9.5 weeks we could see the face and the hands! It was wonderful and amazing to see, but I still can’t let go of my fear! It’s almost like I don’t want to get too attached for fear that I’ll lose this one. My OB was very positive yesterday and said this time will be different – I’m not on any restrictions yet and she’s screening closely for UTI, watching for cervical changes, etc. Even so, I am simply terrified to let go and allow myself to get attached and be excited. It is almost worse having seen that this is truly a “real baby” already because I feel so incredibly guilty that I’m not shouting the news from the rooftops. We haven’t even told DH’s family yet – mostly because last time MIL essentially said it was my fault because I wasn’t gaining enough weight and was purposely not eating therefore hurting my baby (I did only gain 17 lb all total, but not for lack of eating! Just an extremely efficient metabolism that in any other situation would be enviable!) This from the woman who never once offered to fly out to help. Anyway, that is another issue entirely.

I don’t know if this is all because I wasn’t prepared and didn’t have time to psych myself up before getting pg, or if it’s the reality of how difficult it would be this time now that I’ll have a toddler. We have no family in the area and a very small circle of support locally. Our best friend locally are also pg and she is on bedrest due to subchorionic bleeds that aren’t resolving after 18 weeks. I know I am totally on a pity party right now and need to just get over it, but I just don’t know how. L

Thanks for “listening” and allowing me to vent. I would appreciate any words of advice or wisdom from other mamas on how you moved past your fear and let yourself just enjoy being pregnant! I am feeling overwhelmed and starting to seriously wonder what is wrong with me!

Lynne
Mommy to Caleb 3/3/03
http://www.gynosaur.com/assets/ribbons/ribbon_emerald_18m.gif[/img][/url]
Oh my!! #2 5/05

[slknight]

Oh, Lynne. I am sorry this is so difficult for you. I don't have any real words of wisdom for you because I'm not pg with #2. But my first pg was so absolutely awful (subchorionic bleeds, bedrest from 16-24 weeks, restricted activity the whole time, 18 u/s, emergency c/s, etc) that I can totally relate. I actually posted a thread last week asking how/if you can go through #2 when #1 was so bad. Even though I think we want more kids, I don't think I can mentally or physically do it at this time. I commend you for doing it.

Honestly, what helped me the first time around was therapy. I also did a lot of relaxation techniques to keep me calm. Another thing I did was post quite a bit on a support board for those who were pregnant after a loss (I had had a previous m/c). I know you didn't have a m/c, but maybe you could find a support board for a second high-risk pregnancy or something?

[Tondi G]

Just wanted to send some HUGS your way! Warning MC mentioned

I had a wonderful pregnancy with Mason ... it was so textbook and I had no complications! Boy did I take that one for granted! I assumed that since I was young and healthy that I'd be fine.... didn't think I'd have any problems. Well pregnancy #2 started out fine... a little spotting but nothing major.... went in at 7 weeks and saw a healthy HB and baby.... assumed everything would be fine. at my 12 week appt things were not ok... a missed MC. we waited the appropriate time and hoping thigns were just a fluke we went ahead and tried again only to lose another. It definetly took all the innocence out of being pregnant..... both for me and for my DH! When I began spotting this 3rd time around we both just figured this one was doomed..... but things are going alright so far. the spotting has stopped and baby's HB was good at just shy of 11 weeks. My OB said she thinks this one is a keeper and that all will be fine. She too has been through several MC's herself so she understands...... makes me so thankful to have a female OB who's beeen there done that! Experiencing losses or difficult pregnancies changes everything.... you never feel completely comfortable till that baby is born and in your arms!

I have a friend who just delievered her 3rd child. Her boys are 3 and 1.5. She discovered she was pregnant with her little girl just weeks before her husband was deployed.... and they assumed he wouldn't be home for her birth! Her pregnancy was going along just fine when all of a sudden her BP skyrocketed and she started having contractions.... she was put on complete bedrest. she went into the hospital a few times thinking her little girl was going to be born super early and they managed to stop her labor. towards the end she was taken off bedrest and then her daughter decided she was quite content in there.... she went full term! These things happen.... often no one knows why! Each and every pregnancy is different! For those of us who have experienced loss or complications we can only pray that our next experiences are different that those that were diffcult!

Since my last OB appointment I have days when I feel very positive about this pregnancy and days when I just can't shake the thought that something could be going wrong in there. getting from one appointment to the next has been difficult but we're getting through it... one day at a time. thats all you can do... take it one day at a time. Do everything YOU can to be healthy and help this pregnancy along and hope that everything you can't control follows suit! I am glad your OB is keeping a close watch on you and doing everything they can to help this be a healthy pregnancy! For me I think my milestone to kinda relax will be when I can feel this little person move on a regular basis .... not too much longer I hope!

Anyways... I've rambled... hope you got this far! GOOD LUCK and a happy, healthy LONG 9 months (with no complications) to YOU!!!!!!

~Tondi and Mason 7/8/01
EDD 5/5/05!!!

[ismommy]

Lynne,

Lots and lots of hugs. I had some complications with Bella- bedrest and meds at 33 weeks and an emergency c-section but in my case I was sure it all stemmed from being hit by a drunk driver.
As you know since you have been so quick to offer you story support and hugs to me. I am on modified bed rest starting at 23 weeks. One of the ways I have stayed positive is yours and other stories that after all the scares they delivered at fullterm. I also love the feeling of X moving and the moments that Bella is already having with her baby sibling. She talks about X constantly and when drew a pic of her family she included X.
I think you have more than earned the right to be scared but I would listen to your OB and if it was a UTI you are being monitored closley this time. Also try to think of the fun part - Caleb watching your tummy moving and meeting his sibling. Eating lots of chocolate especially ghiradelli brownies.
I wish I was closer and we could take it easy togther.
If you want an ear email me and I will give a call.
hugs
Helene
mommy to Isabella
baby x EDD 1/11/05

[jec2]

Oh, Lynne, sorry this is so hard. I wanted to just send you a hug. I didn't have a hard pregnancy with DS but just wanted to let you know that we are all here. I understand that it must be a bit scary for you with what you went through with Caleb. Just wanted to say that with so much in life you just got to hang on and surf the wave. Trust that it will all be ok. Trust that you will be ok. Trust that little bugaboo will be ok. Big hug Lynne. We are here :)

[jk3]

Lynne,

Congratulations. I know it can be incredibly difficult but try to stay as positive as you can.

My first pregnancy was a m/c + the second time around I was terrified that would happen again. It didn't but at 26 weeks I entered the hospital with regular preterm contractions. I was transferred to the city to a more comprehensive hospital because the doctors were concerned I'd deliver at that point. A resident came in + informed us of all of the terrible outcomes that might happen at that point. I kept on thinking that this wasn't supposed to happen since I hadn't worried about this particular situation. I thought I was in the clear after the first trimester.

In any event, I ended up on bedrest until about 34 weeks + delivered a healthy baby at 36. I'm sure next time around I will be a wreck: w/the first trimester + then with hoping to make it to at least 32 weeks. It's very stressful to think about another pregnancy but even my OB said there is no guarantee that another pregnancy will unfold in the same way. I'm not a naive person but I hope I will be able to focus on that point.

I'm hoping you have a healthy, uneventful 9 months. Sending good thoughts your way. =)

Jenn
DS 6/03

http://lilypie.com/baby2/030603/2/5/1/-5/.png

[mamahill]

Oh Lynne - hugs! I don't have your history of hard pregnancy, but I was terrified from the beginning about this pregnancy. Fact is, I know so many more people who have suffered losses this time around that I just knew I would join them. It was REALLY hard for me to relax and enjoy it, especially when my mom had a miscarriage (her only one, out of 7 pregnancies) at 16 weeks. Then a very wise mama who shall remain nameless said, "Snap out of it!" LOL, ok, not quite like that, but she said that each pregnancy should be celebrated and looked at optimistically. If something is going to go wrong, it will go wrong, but worrying about it right now isn't going to make the "going wrong" any easier, and only detracts from what is going well.

That's not to say I'm not a little nervous, but as I watch the days/weeks tick by, I am feeling better and better. A couple weekends ago I said to DH, "You know, I'm getting really excited about this!" And he said, "Uh, Sarah, I would have thought you'd say that a couple months ago. You know - when you saw the LINES." (oh, and did I mention that this pregnancy was TOTALLY planned) The point is - I wasn't letting myself get excited for the same reasons as you. But now that I am so baby-ravenous, and letting myself get excited over maternity clothes, I am having a good time.

Peace to you - everything will be ok. Each pregnancy is different and should be celebrated.

[egoldber]

"How do you move past your fear and get excited about another pregnancy??"

When you figure that out, let me know. :)

Seriously, with 3 miscarriages, I have had an extremely hard time becoming excited about this pregnancy. Even though all signs point to everything being fine, I just can't muster up the excitment. I know its partly a defense mechanism, but its also just the loss of innocence. I can no longer just enjoy being pregnant without also feeling the fear. That fear is going to be with me this whole pregnancy I think.

My next ultrasound is tomorrow, when I will be 14 1/2 weeks. In theory, if all is well then, the odds are with me. But I know so many people who have had later losses and I can't forget that.

So no advice here, but I totally understand how you feel. And those feelings are very, very normal. You shouldn't feel bad about them.

Take care,

[C99]

I don't have a history of difficult pregnancy, but I do have the fact that I delivered a preemie looming over my head. I'm only 11 weeks now, so I am not really all that far along, but I've had several cervical checks at my OB's office and that's made me feel better (one theory on why my water broke at 35 weeks was an incompetent cervix). Also, I think part of the reason that I am not wildly excited over this pregnancy (yet) is that (a) I know what to expect and (b) I feel like hell -- in part from the pregnancy and in part from the fall triggering of my asthma.

[mamicka]

Lynne,

I can't personally relate to the history... but as much as I can, I think I "get" how you feel. I just want you to know that I would love to help support you in real life. The part about not having family & having a small local support circle, I can totally relate. We don't live far from you at all, as you know, & Caleb is just a few months older than DS. Please, shoot me a PM or email if you'd like my phone number. Our due dates are only a few weeks apart, too! (mine's 4/22/05)

We'd love to meet you guys!
Allison

ETA: I just PM'ed you my phone number. Call me if you want to get together or just talk. :)