Suddenly nervous about pregnancy #2, share your positive experiences and stories please

[SpaceGal]

I'm about 14 weeks along with my second pregnancy. And so far it's going fine, not quite as smoothly and comfortable as my first pregnancy but nothing horrible. DS #1 keeps me busy enough to not have too much time to dwell on my pregnancy as you all know with experience. Yesterday, I was talking to a friend that is pregnant for the first time. She was asking me about genetic testing and what not. I told her I really don't have any experience with genetic testing outside of the usual blood test and orange sugar drink one. We got into this whole debate about the reason people would want to know ahead of time if there might be something wrong with the baby and those that don't. I'm in the school that doesn't want to know ahead (plus I'm not in the "at risk" category of 35 and up and I am healthy).

DS #1 was born with two congential heart defects which we didn't know about prior to his birth. Overall, it was an ordeal to deal with but we got through it and we're all okay, and most importantly DS got through his surgery without a problem and will hopefully will be fine and grow up like any other healthy little one. With that said, she told me that wouldn't I want to know if the next baby had problems because if they are too serious (i.e. requiring constant surgery and attention and help) I might want to make some decisions or prepare for it. I'm not sure how you prepare for it other than having a constant cloud hang over your head for the remainder of your pregnancy. She told me of a friend who was pregnancy with a baby with several heart problems and the possibility of being mentally retarded as well, and that the couple decided to terminate the pregnancy, which bothered me a bit. I know it would be hard and painful to raise a child with "problems" but I couldn't bring myself to do anything but have that baby and take care of it.

Okay well not to get into that whole debate, I got to thinking what if my baby now will not be well. I've been pretty positive this time around and have been confident about this next child being healthy since my midwife told me don't let it stop you from having a family because we can have healthy kids still. But suddenly after this conversation with my friend made me feel like what if because DS has congential heart defects so will the next one or something else just as trying. She made me feel worried, not to say I don't want this baby because I do but I'm suddenly terrified of having a baby that is not healthy.

I don't know anyone directly or close by that had babies with any health issues other than mine. I'm wondering and I'm hoping to hear some positive experiences like, we had one child with some issue but still were about to have healthy happy babies after him/her.
I want to talk to my midwife and OB when I see them in two weeks about it just to gain some reassurance again but nothing beats another family that can tell a story through their experience. Thank you in advance for your advice, input and sharing.

[Jenn98]

I can only offer you my experience as I am preggo with #2 as well. I opted out of a lot of the genetic tests because I did not fall into the high risk categories. Also, I did not want to deal with false positives, and I worried enough without needing to obsess over the tests, too. DH and I decided any info we got from the tests would not effect our decisions - we would not terminate for virtually any reason. So, we opted out of them.

Here's how I see it: I wasn't high risk for anything, so I saw testing as an unnecessary thing for me. I also figured that if my child were born with some physical of mental "problem" (and I only use the word problem because I can't think if another, better word to use) that was what I was going to have to deal with in life. Just because your baby is born healthy is no guarantee that at age 3 he/she won't get cancer and die. You just never know. A healthy baby at birth is not a gurantee for a healthy life in general.

That's just my .02 - I'm not critisizing anyone else, just telling you how I felt about my own situation. I wouldn't worry too much about it all. (easier said than done, I know!) But try to focus onthe positives of anothe rnew, wonderfully sweet baby on the way!!

[schums]

We didn't do genetic testing with our DC either. I was healthy and in a low risk group, so I didn't see any reason to do it. Also, we worried about the false positives. That said, if I had fallen into a high risk group/category, I probably would have had the test done. I like to be "prepared", so knowing that my child was not healthy before the birth would let me decide on a course of action when the baby was born. Also, it would give me time to accept the fact that this baby was different than the one I had imagined and planned for. That way, I would be (hopefully) be able to rejoice in my child at delivery, instead of being surprised by issues/problems.

HTH,
Sarah
Mom to Alex (3/2002) and Catherine (8/2003)

[aa2mama]

My youngest sister had a congenital heart defect (she had to have an aortic valve replacement). However, me and my other sister had no heart issues whatsoever. I know other families, as well, where they have one child with heart defects and other children that have no heart defects.

Also, that sister is now pregnant, and her husband has the same heart condition. The cardiologists have been monitoring their baby's heart via ultrasound in the pregnancy (she's 22 wks) and so far everything looks good.

I can understand why people would want to do genetic testing, but being in a low-risk category I have chosen to opt out of them.

Maybe your friend is still trying to convince herself that she is making the right decision in doing the testing.

[Lovingliv]

Hi Spacegal, Congrats on your pregnancy!

I too, am preggo with my second baby. I have no risk factors (although I did have a great aunt with Downs) and did not have any kind of testing with Liv. With this baby, I am ashamed to admit that I was not taking prenatal vitamin prior to conception. You could call this a surprise pregnancy, although my DH says "How can you be surprised,,,,it's like throwing a ball up in the air and having it land."
So, I was plagued with thinking about the health of my lil one. Moreso than even with liv. So, I talked to my NP about it.
My feeling, up until talking with her was that "there are a ton of false positives, and the outcome of this test would not change anything."
My NP told me of her personal experience. She told me that she had the AFP test with her last son, and that is came back abnormal. Upon birth they were prepared that something was wrong....it ended up being his kidney and because they were prepared he was able to have surgery at 4 weeks of age and is now healthy. She also told me that the false positives were due to inaccurate dating. Because I had a 6 week ultrasound there was no chance for dating issues.
My DH and i opted to have this test (it checks for downs and neural tube defects). I am happy to say that the test came out great...and we are expecting a healthy bean.
Good luck with you plan!

[pb&j]

SpaceGal, big hugs!

My stillborn daughter had birth defects, but DS is completely healthy. That said, I did lots of prenatal testing and ultrasounds with him. Whether or not he had health issues, I really wanted to know ahead of time. It really put my mind at ease, not to have to spend 40 weeks torturing myself.

BTW, when my daughter was born, I was 29, in excellent health, no family history of any birth defects. I had absolutely no reason to believe that I would have any problems with my pg whatsoever. Youth is not a guarantee.

Please feel free to PM or email me if you have any specific questions about the testing I did. FWIW, I hated being pregnant with DS. It was really nerve wracking the whole time. I got some measure of relief when all my tests came up normal, but until he was here, I was on pins and needles.


-Ry,
mom to Emma, stillborn 11/04/04
and Max, 01/05/06

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[SpaceGal]

Thank you all for your thoughts and insight. I really appreciate knowing there's hope in having "normal" kids after one that was not "normal" for lack of better way to describe it.

Personally, I'm not questioning whether or not to have genetic testing done. DH and I decided not to just because we wouldn't do anything differently and knowing all the crazy false positive anxiety we have opted to not test.

My pregnancy with DS was great...I had no real issues other than the concern that he was small but DH and I are small. Being pregnant with #2 I haven't had much time to think or get all wrapped up in the what ifs that I could be if I had free time.

However, all that being said most of my DH's family were happy to hear were we trying for a second because they all thought we were done since we had such drama with DS. As for my family, well my mom hasn't been very positive about the child concept. From the get go, she been why do you want a baby for they are such burdens and trouble and expensive. Then when DS had surgery she questioned whether it was a wise choice. As if I would just be so "whatever" about such a thing. When I told her I wanted more children she casted her negativity again and now she was armed with but this next baby could have heart problems again and has even wiggled the mental issue with me. She says this because DS was suspected of having a Down's Syndrome like case due to the two heart defects he had, but he had been genetically tested and cleared of that possibility. To say the least, I haven't told my mother of my pregnancy just to avoid any negativity.

My friend that I had spoken too kept pushing the issue (not for arguements sake but that's just how she is). I understand that she wants the genetic testing and I know her stance is different from mine (she has had two abortions in the past). Since DS has a heart condition, my doctors will send me in for a prenatal echocardiogram which I will go along with but now I suddenly just fear all the horrible things. My doctor and midwife did a great job in reassuring me that I should be fine to have a healthy child and I was all there...but I guess this shadow my friend has casted on my pregnancy sort of just really bummed me out so to speak. On the other hand I'm more than thrilled for her and am cautious not to alarm her and worry her of the what ifs. I guess I am more than shocked to feel this negativity and questioning of my "parenting preparation" from a friend. I know she is unaware of my fears now but I also don't plan on talking to her for a bit until I feel more at ease.

Granted all mothers don't feel complete until the arrival of their baby. And now more than ever I feel that way. I am trying to think as positive as possible still. I look at DS and say look at him he's perfect...growing and running and learning. So what if he had a heart problem...he's still my baby. *sigh* It is also hard to be the only ones in among our family and friends to have a child with a health issue, not many understand how we feel or what we go through.

Sorry to babble on but I do appreciate hearing the hopeful stories you have all shared.

[lizajane]

when i was pregnant with my first son, i just knew everything was fine. i just knew. i NEVER worried. my dh wanted genetic testing and we did it. but we both knew we would NEVER terminate. that is God's decision, in our eyes.

when i was pregnant with my second son, i kept looking at my first perfect child and thinking how could i have another one as perfect as he is? we didn't do genetic testing because i was going to have that baby no matter what! and i was going to love him no matter what. but i did feel some anxiety that i didn't feel the first time.

he is indeed just as perfect. but dh worries that we could never have a third as perfect as the first two... but that is his hang up...

[StantonHyde]

From someone who was 37 with DS and 40 with DD, I did the ultrasound and amnio with both my children. My MD practically won't treat anybody over 35 who does not do the testing--because of what she could find and fix in utero. Given the numbers, I would NOT do an amnio if I was under 35 unless there were real specific risk factors. I would do the ultrasound in your case. I did not, however, do that huge expanded panel of testing that looks for the 1 in a million chance that your child has X metabolic disorder. DH is an MD and he said that testing (40 dif tests) guarantees at least 2-3 false positives--just the odds. I did not do the AFB(P?) test that you can do earlier because I knew so many people who had false positives with that.

DS had a Robertsonian translocation on his DNA. (long story short--he has no affects but when he has kids they have a 1% higher chance of having Downs IF his wife has some other DNA abnormality. Give me a break--I am not gonna worry about THAT at this point) DD is perfectly normal. This did a lot for reassuring me.

I know I was a hormonal worry wort with DS (and DD too--I was just too busy to realize it!). Find somebody POSITIVE to talk to and do not talk to negative people until you feel better about this. You just do not have the emotional reserves when you are pg!

[Zana]

I think its perfectly normal to worry about the baby during pregnancy...I wake in the middle of the night and think of some random what-ifs..and in your case your mom and friends are certainly not helping.

There are so many risks at any stage of your childs life that its not productive to spend your time worrying about all the things that might go wrong. With DS I was just under 35 so I did no tests except the regular U/S at 20 weeks. With this pregnancy I will be just over 35 so since I 'qualified' for the nuchal translucency U/s and blood tests I did it.

In your case, hopefully the special U/S will help relieve some your fears. Pregnancy with a toddler is pretty stressful as it is, so I hope you can relax and not let all the negative people around you get to you!