Preventing people from inviting the uninvited through RSVP wording. Possible? ....

[Reinhardt]

Dear all:

I am hoping to find a nice, tactful way of preventing people from inviting those who are not invited.

For instance, if I write that Mr. and Mrs. SoandSo are invited, I want them to understand that ONLY they are invited and not their two year old Baby SoandSo.

I know that one of the ways of doing this is by specifying the names of the invitees on the envelope and hoping that since no other name is indicated that no other person will come.

I want more assurance.

The following is the way I plan to do my RSVP card:

_________________________________________________

Kindly reply on or before August 15, 2001

Cannot attend ______

Will attend ______

Number of Invitee(s) _______
Number of Attendee(s) ______

M _____________________________________

Please indicate number of dinners per choice:

_____ Filet Mignon with Sauteed Mushrooms
_____ Chicken Breast Stuffed with Spinach, Mushrooms, and Swiss Cheese
_____ Poached Salmon with Lemon Butter Sauce and Capers

_________________________________________________

You will note that there is a "Number of Invitee(s)" line, which I will fill in with the appropriate number.

For example:

If I fill the number 1 on the line so it reads

Number of Invitee(s): 1

My hope is then that *one* person who is invited will realize that the number in the Number of Attendees line better match the Number of Invitee(s) line.

So when he writes in the number 1, he realizes that he can invite no other person.

Number of Invitee(s): 1
Number of attendees: 1

I hope I'm clear.

PLEASE GIVE ME YOUR OPINION, Bad or Good. If you have another idea to insure the above, please also say.

Oh, and one more thing:

What is

M ___________________________________________?

What the heck is that?

I am doing it because everyone else seems to do it. I know, embarrassingly sheepish of me.

I think it means that one is to write there the names of the attendees. If there is so, is this not better?

Name(s): _______________________________

More direct and to the point, unless, of course, the Big M with the line does not mean what I think it means.

Thank you all

B.

[genie]

Hello B,

The most tactful way to prevent people from inviting those who are not invited (especially children) is by word of mouth. And indicate "Adult reception to follow" on your reception card. If this still does not work and you, and you notice that there are more attendees, you pick up the phone, call them up and very politely let them know that you would love it if they bring Baby SoandSo but are limited by space.

You are right that if you address the envelope "Mr. and Mrs. SoandSo" that they should know that no one else is invited. You will be surprised as to how many people do not know this...

Also for your respond card:

Kindly reply before
August 15, 2001

M_______________________
Number of persons attending___
Number of Entree Selection
Filet Mignon with Sauteed Mushrooms___
Stuffed Chicken Breast with Spinach, Mushrooms and Cheese___
Poached Salmon with Lemmon Butter Sauce and Capers___


Do not write "Number of Invitee(s)" and fill in the number yourself. It is very rude.(Sorry).

The "M______________" is for your guest(s) to write their names. (Mr. and Mrs. SoandSo) If you do not have the "M" there
they may not know that that they have to fill in their name(s) there and when they send it back to you, you will not know who the respond is from.. By adding "Number of persons attending___", you will get an accurate head count as to how many of them will be attending and no room for surprises.

I hope this helps you. (sorry if I was a little harsh)

If after all this, they still show up with an uninvited guest, (shame on them) don't let it get to you. Remember it is your special day and I am sure it will be wonderful.

[Affordable Dreams]

Hi, Get your parents and prespective inlaws to spread the word that space is limited to those names that are on the invitation envelopes due to budget. Or something to this effect. Let them be your police officers and stiick to it! When I got married I had a Precious Moments wedding which is expensive in itself.
We had a buffet that my Mom prepared as we couldn't afford the expense of a sit down meal and to this day every wedding is compaired to mine and mine still is #1 atmosphere and food and all! :) So everyone came Fellow Nurses from my work stopped in for lunch between visits to their patients and wished us well. Other wise there would have been alot of friends missing. It was bad enough 200 people RSVP and only 100 showed. We partied the rest of the week on the feast!

The M stands for Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. :) Hope this helps good Luck!

[maryjoy]

Here's another suggested format (the one I'm using for my own invites):

http://www.mjplas.com/wedding/invites/final/RSVPback.gif

[PRINCESS_KIM]

I was initially concerned about the number of guests inviting others but a coworker of mine told me that people who RSVP may not come and those who regret, may show up. She said that in the end, it balances out so don't worry too much about it.

[nupe]

I am planning to write in "Adults only" rather than "No children" on the RSVP cards themselves. I know this sounds inappropriate. However, I know word of mouth will not work in this group as evidenced in the last few weddings in the community.

[luvbeinmama]

Maybe I'm out of the ordinary, but I think too many people are worried about their wedding day being "perfect"!! I'm just flabbergasted every time I see messages about not inviting children to weddings & wedding receptions. A wedding is supposed to be a COMMUNITY witnessing & celebration of your vows of covenant relationship with one another. To exclude children, seems to me, to be excluding one of the brightest, and most joyful segments of society. Sure, children can be a pain at times, but they are sure to bring some of the most joyful memories, too. I have been to many weddings. None of them excluding children. NONE of them ruined by the attendance of children. Personally, I had a couple of things go amiss at my wedding, but it was the most wonderful day, and NO ONE noticed anything wrong. I think most of the "ruined" wedding days wouldn't actually be "ruined" if the wedding couple chose to view it as a wonderful day in spite of any mishaps. Mishaps happen, they don't have to ruin your day. Concentrate more on your happiness with your new spouse, and less on "making" the day perfect. It will turn out well, and you will have much more fun!

As for limited space, maybe you should book a reception hall that can accomodate all the people you would like to invite. It's pretty much a given that not all will attend, and some will bring a guest (girlfriend, boyfriend, etc.). It will all even out in the end.

[PRINCESS_KIM]

I agree. Weddings to me is a family event. Children get into "trouble" because they are bored. I already have that planned out. I have a goodies box on 5 different tables. They are filled with crayons, coloring books, small inexpensive action figures similar to G.I. Joes, jump ropes, special projects with step by step instructions, small party favors similar to birthday favors i.e. puzzle in a box, miniature puzzles, etc. These were all purchased at the 99 cents stores. Also, I have been planning my wedding for over 2 years now so everytime there is an end of the holiday sale at 50-75% off, I buy "junk". The children should be able to keep themselves occuppied and their parents could enjoy themselves for 3 hours. I even have activities for the adults as well i.e. bride and groom trivia and predictions. So everyone is going to be busy!!! I don't even know if they'll even have time for me!!! =)

[Reinhardt]

I am all for "Adult Only Receptions." The marrying couple can invite whomever they want; being at a wedding is not a right. If a bride does not want children, then that wish should be respected. Last thing a bride needs is more stress.

I did have children at my wedding, one thirteen year old cousin and one extremely well-behaved ten year old who I know and know well. But if either of these children were handfuls, they would not have been at my wedding. Parents object? Well, they don't have to be there either.

B.

[janki]

This is a toughie I think. While I don't have any youngsters in our collective families, I fear the wild children I often see out in public. There are kids who are running amok in malls, dashing around, etc. I always worry about them knocking over the cake or something. But, this is the parent's issue I feel.

Also, we have two very surly teenages that I hope will not come. They were at a family reunion and they were sullen and gave dirty looks to all. They are invited, but I hope they clean up their act in time!

[felesseta]

I tend to think that most children are well behaved enough at a ceremony or reception. HOWEVER, I have been to 3 ceremonies that were ruined b/c people brought young infants who wailed through the entire ceremony. It seemed when one would start the others had to follow. These ceremonies were very large affairs in great echo-y churches with very good acoustics so the microphones caught it all. The couples constantly getting up to take out their crying babies were bad enough with all the commotion they caused excusing themselves down crowded pews, but the worst were the people who tried to shush their babies and ended up making more noise with their cooing and pleading. The first ceremony people were forgiving and saying "These things happen and children will be children," but by the 3rd ceremony in this close knit community, there were angry glances and enough annoyed sighs to go around. I felt so sorry for the poor brides who felt pressured into inviting children. Now, since then, baby-sitting services are provided.

[Mrs_ Porter]

Ultimately, a wedding is about the two people getting married and what THEY want. If you don't want children at your wedding, then don't invite them.

We personally opted to exclude children from our wedding for the following reasons:

Everyone thinks that their own children are well-behaved, but the reality is that many children are unruly and many parents do not affirmatively control their children -- especially at group events. We have seen too many wedding ceremonies and receptions disrupted by unruly children. Also, we have been to far too many social events, including weddings, where we have witnessed parents neglecting their children and expecting others in the group to watch out for or entertain their kids. Why risk having a sacred once-in-a-lifetime ceremony and the formal dinner reception that follows disrupted by a bored and/or misbehaving child?

No child wants to be at a wedding. To a child, it's a boring event where you have to sit still and wear restrictive clothing.

Why pay $150+ for children who are going to pick at the expensive food that you have painstakingly picked out? The poor kids don't really want to be at the wedding anyway! One of the easiest ways to cut costs is to refrain from inviting children.

Mrs. Porter

[ClaudiaI]

The importance of the day is lost on young children. I remember little of the weddings I attended as a child. Parents may also appreciate the day more without attending to the kids (which more often than not causes grief for all involved). I am not inviting children to my wedding, it would increase the guest list incredibly. In the end, the people who should be there are those that influence your life and those you want to share the day with.

[DanW]

At the most recent wedding I attended, the bride and groom had arranged a seperate reception for the kids, with pizza and hot dogs, a clown/magician, and 3-4 teenagers they knew to provide supervision. They were in a basement room at the reception site and they had a great time, every now and then coming up to see their parents but spending most of their time downstairs.

Ultimately it is the bride and groom's decision on whether to include the children or not. My personal preference is to include them because most of the kids who would be at my wedding would be relatives, including my godson and goddaughter, and I have a very close-knit family. But don't let anyone make you feel bad for not including them, if that's your choice.

[PRINCESS_KIM]

I thought having a separate children's area was a great idea and went through a lot of planning for them including their own meals, etc. The results: it was a time and money. Why? The children ended up sitting with their parents and ate off of the adult menu anyway. I ordered children's items and it got thrown out the end of the night. I anticipated about 35-40 children at my wedding...only half if that showed up. I bought all these children and teen activity items for them and I ended up giving it to Goodwill because we had no use for them.

If I could do this again, I would forget the entire children's corner, teen cafe, separate menu idea because we wasted extra money and time on it.

[hillrc]

I'm not sure why many people don't realize that the names on the inside envelopes are the people actually invited to the wedding, but nearly every bride I know has gotten responses from people with an extra guest tacked on the response card. Overall, though, I think most people understand the "rules" and understand that weddings are expensive and most people can't have a truly open guest list.

As to children, I love them, plan on having lots of them and even work with kids with special needs as my chosen career path. I can't, however, invite every guest's children to the wedding. I even work with high schoolers who I would love to have be there, but can't afford to have them all. I solved this dilemma by asking the high schoolers if they would babysit during the dinner portion of the reception (for pay, of course - they all love kids) and then bring all of the kids back downstairs for the party! This way, the kids get to have a pizza party (their favorite thing) and moms and dads can eat dinner without worrying about little Bobby breaking the wine glasses. This way everyone can enjoy the party (which is the part I'm most excited about). Then when the kiddos get tired, we have a room they can nap in (we'll have another sitter who is not invited to the wedding who will come later).

Anyway, those are my ideas - a little different than the usual plan of having kids everywhere or nowhere at all, but I think it's the best of all possible worlds.

[rcgerber]

I'm forgoing the inner envelope and writing the names of the actual invitees on the RSVP. This has two benefits...if they fail to write in their name I still know who they are and they would have to go out of their way to write other names on the card...which would be pretty ballsy (and then will be handled by MOB or MOG)

[JanineM]

I found some of the comments here from parents truly shocking. If a bride wants to include children or some children that is fine, but some events are not designed for children. As a guest one should never expect to dictate to a bride to invite or caterer to children. (Many good ideas were given here for brides who do want to include children.) There are some places in this world for children and others that are just for adults.

When parents have children it is a life altering event for them. The child becomes the center of the universe for the parent. PARENTS WHO EXPECT THEIR CHILD TO BECOME THE CENTER OF EVERY ONE ELSES UNIVERSE ARE VERY WRONG! They need to have a more realistic expectation of other people when it comes to children. The parents who feel so strongly that their child is entitled to an invite are usually end up being the children that become the problems at the weddings, but those same parents are often clueless about it. I can't tell you how many weddings I have ended up babysitting kids I didn't even know because their parents couldn't be bothered to act like parents, but they all think they are wonderful parents.

I can see why so many brides are concerned about this, especially when some people have the attitude that the bride should not expect everything to be perfect so that if a child acts up at their very expensive wedding, the bride should not be concerned. It should be obvious to that some brides do not want children there and the bride's wishes should be respected. I think what this really comes down to is that a lot of parents are too cheap to hire a babysitter.

Listing the names on the response cards is a very good idea, and yes there will still be some people who will write more names on the card.

[angelpix23]

I am a mother of a two year old. And naturally my son is going to be a big part of my wedding. Originally, I was planning my wedding with my (ex) sister-in-law to be. We were marrying brothers. Unfortunately they're relationship did not work out. But during the early stages of planning, she had voiced her opinion to me that she did not want kids at her wedding. She was actually specifically referring to our mutual friends kids. At the time she said it, I didn't think much of it...because our friends kids are a little unruly. But when she mentioned it again...she specifically said she wanted an adult reception. I was offended. Because I guess she expected my son not to come. Not to mention her sister has a child the same age and is expecting another one. I think it is inconsiderate of someone to invite someone to their wedding knowing that they are possibly a single mother (we have one friend)...or every known babysitter for this person is going to be attending your wedding.

I understand my child is not the center of the universe. But he should be respected...and the parents should be respected. If you have certain guests that it seems impossible for them to attend without their children, but you would like there presence at the reception then perhaps you need to rethink your "adults only reception." I have found at previous weddings that the kids usually play with each other and are often entertaining to watch. As long as there are activities for them, and the bride and groom make them feel included...(taking pictures with them...etc.), there shouldn't be a problem.

I understand there are those problem children. More often then not the parents realize that there children don't do well in public and will either decline to attend or only the father or mother will show up out of politeness. If you are planning on having a "party into the night" reception. The parents will not bring their children. Or will send them home early with an aunt or uncle. Most parents use good judgment when it comes to their kids. Some parents want to attend a wedding without their children as I have recently done because I did not want to chase after him all day.

Just be considerate of others. Recognize that certain people are exceptions to the rule. Speaking as a former single mother...not everyone has a babysitter. If you know of a child that is especially unruly...spread the word by mouth.

[Joanna81608]

I agree with B. I'm also just inviting adults to my wedding because I don't want any stress about kids running around the reception site breaking things. Besides, if we invited all the kids in our families we'd have to pay twice as much for catering, in addition to the waste of untouched food by those kids. I am speaking from personal experience, as I've noticed in many of our family parties kids barely touch their food, so it's a waste of time and money to invite kids to a wedding.

[virtualvoice]

Just a comment as to wording invitations- If you invite Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so, that alone does not to me nor to many people I know exclude the children.

I sent out all of my invites to "Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so" full well intending to invite the whole family. My sister joked with me that her kids were not invited but she knew they were. Imagine if you had to write "Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so & kid 1 & kid 2" on the envelopes, that would take quite a bit longer and not look as nice.

We are providing some activities for the kids, although I'm not sure what all that will include at this point...